Why We Need The Pop Music Axis Of Evil

It is the easiest thing in the world to jump on the Bandwagon of Hate and spout our abhorrence at the popularity of, not just the five people I have featured above, but a whole myriad of terrible artists who produce terrible music.  Being negative is so much easier than being positive that the Bandwagon of Hate is full to overflowing, and there is barely any room for anyone else to jump on board.  

However, in attempting to put a positive spin on the state of popular music today, it quickly became apparent that these very same people are exactly what is needed in the music industry today.  Let me explain.  Popular music has always been shit.  Always.  Now, very few of you will have been around to remember music from the 50s and 60s as it was being produced, but I'm willing to wager that most of you will immediately think of the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, and a whole host of other seminal musical geniuses who have brought so much to the industry.  "You just don't get bands like that any more. I wish I could have lived back then when some of the best music ever to be created was topping the charts." By comparison, you probably think you live in a wasteland of creative nothingness; where record companies regurgitate musical superficiality on the masses.  But back in the 50s and 60s, the young people of that day would have been saying almost exactly the same thing. 

In April of 1950, Eileen Barton was top of the Billboard charts with If I Knew You Were Comin' I'd've Baked a Cake.  Even nostalgia cannot temper how bland and frankly bad this song is, its only redeemable quality being the title boasting an impressive three apostrophes. In 1953 That Doggie In The Window was number one for two whole months, and in 1962 it was the almost unbearable Lion Sleeps Tonight.  For every enduring icon like Tony Bennett and Elvis Presley, there were about ten bands you've never heard of who were topping the charts. Many of them were just as manufactured as Justin Bieber is today, and some were just as all-encompassingly loathsome. 

How many (US) number ones do you think some of the most seminal artists of all time have achieved? Discounting The Beatles, whose freakish genius excludes them from most comparative lists, you'd be surprised to find, not many.  Led Zeppelin? None. Jimi Hendrix? None. Bob Dylan? None. Bob Marley? None. Creedence Clearwater Revival? None. Radiohead? None. Little Richard? None. James Brown? None. Frank Zappa? None. Bo Diddley? None. Jerry Lee Lewis? None. Jackie Wilson? None. Smokey Robinson? None. Grateful Dead? None. Johnny Cash? None. The Who? None. Pink Floyd? A staggering ...one. 

Popular music is a very misleading term, for it doesn't take into account a time frame to give that popularity context.  Without Googling, tell me who released the biggest one hit wonder of all time; Macarena ... Unless you move in very strangely niche musical circles, you won't have a clue, despite the fact that it stayed top of the Billboard for over 14 weeks, remained in the Top 100 for 60 weeks, brought about its own Guinness World Record, spawned thirteen other versions, and sold over 11 million copies.  Are the architects of such a track (Los del Río, by the way) considered popular?  I thoroughly hope not.  There are two different types of popularity therefore.  Present Popularity encompasses everything that is selling well in the charts along with much of that which receives critical acclaim in the here and now.  While the best chart position a band like Noah and the Whale have managed to achieve in 2011 is #14 with L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N., they have an air of endurance about them that will be remembered for decades to come. Or Kasabian, who have only managed three top ten hits from their 15-single back catalogue, are sure to be rocking venues for many years hence.  Their popularity is undeniable, if not reflected in the charts.  Therefore along with Present Popularity, they are likely contenders for Enduring Popularity.  Of course, time will tell.

The Pop Music Axis of Evil spans many decades and includes hundreds of artists, not just those of today.

On the other hand, the ludicrously popular acts that have been dominating the charts for the past few years, do not have that same air of endurability about them.  Since 2000, the artists that have been hitting the Billboard top spot has been an unhealthy mix of reality talent show winners (and losers), New Hip Hop(NHH)*, and other assorted terrifying pop slurry.  In fact, since the turn of the century there have been precisely four bands that have reached Number One, and by bans I mean, vocalist, guitarist(s), and drummer.  The Billboard has been completely saturated, some might say smothered, by NHH artist after NHH artist, or wide-eyed open-mouthed pop starlet featuring NHH artist, or two NHH artists featuring a pop starlet.  Some track titles of those number ones include; Bootylicious, Buy You A Drank (Shawty Snappin'), Bump Bump Bump, In Da Club, Gold Digger, Love In This Club, Like A G6, This Is Why I'm Hot, and the ever insufferable Moves Like Jagger. 

The charts have been dominated by people singing about being awesome and/or sexy, having or acquiring sex, and indeed having or acquiring everything else.  Many songs take place in, on the way to, or returning from a club, and the vast majority treat trivial matters such as record label disputes, not having enough (or too much) jewellery, and others not being as awesome as they are, as mostly serious issues.  It is interesting that in these times of economic uncertainty, the proliferation of songs featuring such excess are increasing ever more rapidly.  Rappers' cars are getting bigger, they are now wearing more than one Rolex at any one time, and they can afford to have at least four hos on their payroll.  When excruciating artists such as Justin Bieber or Jessie J need some kind of credibility in their music, they will undoubtedly get a NHH artist to feature on their latest single.  The easy acquisition of music thanks to the Internet, and indeed the Internet's own ability to create many new pop stars, has brought about this vastly deep well of terrible music.  The music itself is just as bad as pop music has always been, but the sheer volume of it could lead people to be forgiven for thinking that pop has never been worse than it is now.

So, does this mean we should be depressed or angry about the state of popular music?  Well no, of course not.  The fact that Pop has two definitions in music means the vast majority of the Present Pop music will be a distant memory in years to come.  Talk to middle-aged women of today about the Bay City Rollers, Barry Blue or The Rubettes and they will undoubtedly roll their eyes and look embarrassed. The fans of the day no longer want to remember the bands they would have given their left arm to meet mere decades before.  The same will happen again. And again. And again. Until either the end of the world as we know it, or at least until you need a Government-issued license to practice good music. 


However, getting on to the subject of why we actually need this Pop Music Axis of Evil. It's really quite simple. Know your enemy.  Everything from butterflies, to octopuses, tree frogs to baboons display how dangerous they are as a prominent warning to others to stay away.  These bright colours and explicit signs are very important for other animals in knowing who to avoid and who makes good eating.  In the same sense, then, are 'loud' dresses and extravagant displays just as important for music lovers to know which artist they should avoid.  Those attracted to bright colours and superficial light shows will be helplessly drawn in, and all we can do is watch as we move elsewhere along our musical journey.


The Pop Axis of Evil spans decades and encompasses hundreds of artists.  Thankfully they have made it easy for us to spot them, as their music will always come second to some other facet of their act. Whether that be showy displays of supposed controversy, how they behave at awards ceremonies, their dress sense, or some other shallow act of attempted dominance that overrides their music. These people are needed in the industry so that we can find whatever their opposite number is, and head in that direction.  No sustenance can be gained from feeding off the poison that coats the skin of the Greater Spotted Gaga or the Glitter Crested Ke$ha. Much better is it to lie in wait for a more wholesome band, or spend many days tracking an Enduringly Popular artist that you can then feed off for many years to come.


*NHH, or New Hip Hop bears very little resemblance to the Hip Hop that originated in 1970s Bronx. New Hip Hop encompasses, but is not exclusive to modern Gangster Rap. Unfortunately it has superseded and all-but replaced Hip Hop.